What Is A Lie (and what is not)

Is it possible for a person to never lie? Most likely.. not. You can hold yourself to the highest standards of truth but at some point in your life, you probably lied. Maybe it was when you were a child, and you had to learn the hard way that lying often makes things worse. Maybe you told a friend “everything is going to be okay,” and it wasn’t. Maybe you got put in a situation where you had to lie to protect someone’s feelings. This is a complex, sensitive and important subject that I find to be of great personal interest. Truth is a virtue that I hold dear. 

Recently I experienced a difference in values with someone I once respected and loved deeply. Their perception of truth raised the very question: what is a lie, and what is not? I would like to go over the different types of lies with you - and then explore more complex concepts that fall into the grey area of truth.

Lie: a false or misleading statement made with intention to deceive

Examples: “I wasn’t at the bar last night” “I party with celebrities” "No, you didn't upset me"

Omission of Truth: when we intentionally do not reveal something to someone when they have the right to know

Examples: failing to disclose having and STI, failing to disclose the existence financial problems when starting a relationship, hiding how we feel about others and not being upfront

White Lie or Fib: defined as a 'small' mistruth however is innocent in design and meant to protect the feelings of another person

Examples: “Everything is going to be okay” “You look well” “I loved the gift you sent”

The first two types of lies are obviously problematic, but let’s explore white lies or fibs. Are they actually harmless? I am generally of the standpoint that they cause harm. If you tell someone you liked a gift you actually did not, that teaches your loved one something untrue about you. It is also not fair to them. Let’s say someone asks you if they look good in an outfit that is unflattering, and you lie to them to protect their feelings, what good does that do for them? We tell "white lies" because we have empathy, and empathy will always be an evolutionary strength as human beings. So if we ever have to lie to protect someone’s feelings, we simply need to be selective and intentional. If we lean too far into this habit, we begin to exhibit people pleasing tendencies which also creates problems in our relationships.

One of the easiest ways to lie - even unintentionally - is to not be honest when someone has upset us. This too is often a challenge for people who fawn or people please. If someone - whether close or not close to us - has upset us, disappointed us, or otherwise made us unhappy, we have to make sure we are honest about it. How can the other person do anything about it if they do not know we are upset? That itself is a form of trust we must maintain with others.

Everyone that knows me personally knows that I am someone who stands firmly in my belief we need to be candid and upfront with the people we love at all times, as much as possible - whenever possible. About a year or two ago though - I came to terms with that there is a form of ‘deception’ that is completely fair, healthy - and truly a developmental milestone for any emotionally mature person to achieve. So it's not actually deceptive at all.. it’s simply the act of upholding our boundaries - and it's a seven letter word that begins with “P.”

It’s Privacy. 

For some people, they aren’t very good with privacy. They tell everyone everything, without any discretion, and find themselves overly exposed to the various people in their lives, regardless of level of intimacy. They might burn out friendships or non-intimate relationships by oversharing every detail of their day to day and personal life. As we mature, we learn to share with intention - each and every time. 

We learn to respect our own rights to privacy. 

If we have unhealthy or unsafe relationships with our parents or extended family, and we choose not to attend a family event in order to protect our health, are we bad or wrong for not disclosing our reason for not attending? Do we owe everyone all of the personal information about our life without fail? The answer is NO. You have the right to privacy.

Perhaps something big or special happened in your life, and you aren’t ready to share it yet. Does that make you a liar if you have brunch with friends and do not reveal the information? NO. You have the right to share when you are ready. It does not make you a liar. It means you have boundaries and the self-respect to honor your needs.

Learning how to navigate our privacy in the context of our relationships takes time. It requires patience, poise and diplomacy. Eventually we all learn the difference between things that our loved ones have the right to know, and things that our loved ones would be honored to know. It's a whole lot of balance.

Of course, everything I am writing about is in the context of close relationships, but it’s worth saying the responsibility to be transparent and truthful with loved ones is significantly different than it is with coworkers, acquaintances or strangers. Picture it as a target in the game of darts. The closer the person is to you, and the closer they are to the center, the more transparency is needed. The further out someone is on that target/the less close you are with them, the less you owe them about your life and your personal matters.

For example, if you start a job and a coworker asks you something about your life outside of work, it is up to you if you want to share something private. That does not make you a dishonest person. Again, it simply means you have good, healthy boundaries. 

However, if you tell your new coworkers that you drive a sports car but roll up to the office in a Prius, you might run into some credibility issues down the line. 

Lying truly ruins relationships. I coined a theory called “perfect trust.” You only have it once with anyone you love. Once you have lied to them, perfect trust cannot ever be fully restored. You can work hard and be consistently honest to build the trust back up, but once a person has lied to you it is (in my opinion) impossible to get back perfect trust. There will always be at least a sliver of doubt when it comes to your credibility.

Some people are more comfortable with lying than others. For me, if I have ever had to lie in my life, it has eaten away at me. I think back to when I was in college and I lied to a partner. It felt terrible and I dealt with it immediately because I couldn't carry it on my conscience. I learned as a young adult I was going to do everything in my power not to ever lie to the people I love and who matter. But this sounds great and all doesn’t it - but is it realistic? Is it possible to never lie?

Sometimes being truthful simply means being authentic. I have been exploring this concept in my own personal counseling in the past six months. By being an authentic person, always being honest and real with the people you love, it can challenge those who struggle to do the same. For some people honesty is difficult, and if you are honest with them, they may not know what to do with it. Borrowing from tarot symbolism, I use a sword as my symbol for keeping real always as my own personal virtue - never straying from this standard - even if it's activating for those on the receiving end of the metaphorical blade.

But that's just me. Everyone has to find what works for them and what their standards are. For a simple exercise to explore your own comfort level with honesty, do some journaling about instances when you were honest even if it was hard to be, or of instances you chose to lie. It might be interesting to look at what was motivating you the times you chose to be dishonest (or honest!) - and perhaps in that you can uncover something about yourself you would like to work on.