Stop Calling Everyone a Narcissist: This is What You Actually Mean

You hear it everywhere, “They’re such a narcissist.” I am here today to tell you when people say this, they are usually completely mistaken. The misuse and overuse of this word has created a problem - the word has become something too commonly used and it has watered down the weight and true meaning of the term. There is something that I think better explains what people are desperately trying to label - and I can't blame them for confusing it with narcissism, as both terms are quite similar.

Narcissists are actually quite rare. There is varying data on this, but let me throw some possibilities out there. In a 2019 podcast, Dr. Melissa Smith estimated only 0.5% of the population have a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions reported a, “6.2% lifetime prevalence,”  “with rates of 7.7% for men and 4.8% for women.” It is typically found that more men than women receive the diagnosis, and to meet full criteria, a person must exhibit 5 out of 9 possible symptoms for at least 6 months. Think of it this way: out of every 10,000 people, only somewhere between 50-200 would be narcissistic. 

I can imagine what you’re thinking: “I guess I am very unlucky!” You are possibly counting the people you have come across that you felt were narcissistic, and maybe it’s more than you’d like. And here’s the thing: a person can display qualities, or partial criteria for a diagnosis, but not be a full blown narcissist. But I want to ask you to put that aside for a moment and consider the possibility that it’s sometimes something else. It’s possibly something that I observe happens in almost all human beings at one point or another. So, let’s put a pin in it for a moment and review what defines narcissistic behavior.

A true narcissist is distinguishable by certain qualities - such as having an inflated sense of self that ultimately derives from insecurity, an incapacity to apologize or admit fault and shortcomings, or a tendency to abuse others or lack empathy (not to be confused with Antisocial Personality Disorder). When I hear people label others as narcissistic, they are typically trying to describe someone who is difficult, puts themselves first or feels impossible to communicate with, and can be cruel without regard. But doesn’t this sound familiar?

If you thought yes, that sounds exactly like how an egocentric teenager acts, you’re barking up the right tree. When people label someone as a narcissist, it is usually better described as someone with Emotional Immaturity. A person who is emotionally immature usually embodies similar features to that of a narcissist. Your ex? Yes - they were probably a highly emotionally immature person, who navigated the world with a self-first mentality, was difficult to communicate with, and didn’t know how to properly take responsibility for shortcomings or mistakes - let alone put themselves aside for a moment to mend whatever it is that they did to hurt you. Sometimes an emotionally immature person can even exhibit a lack of empathy, because they are so wrapped up in their poorly managed emotions or reactions, they neglect the feelings of the other person (whether intentionally or unintentionally).

Perhaps you have an ex who called you names, was impossible to communicate with, and had huge explosive emotional reactions. They might have fallen back on bullying or belittling to shut down their discomfort. Or, they might have been hyper-concerned with their stake in a situation and less concerned about you or others involved - never apologizing, paired with an attitude dripping with conceitedness. This still all might be explained by them being emotionally immature.

How to differentiate, you may ask? I have some ideas for you. 

-Narcissists do not typically apologize, show remorse, or express regret (unless it’s part of a larger plan to manipulate)

-Narcissists tend to be fixated on power and success (and often achieve these things)

-With that, narcissists often demand of others to give them high praise and constant attention 

-Narcissists lack empathy for others in an all-encompassing sense

-Narcissists believe that they are so special that they feel they should only interact with people of high status

-Narcissists have sometimes unreasonable expectations and will not tolerate non-compliance

-Narcissists have no problem taking advantage of others for personal gain

-Narcissists often envy others, or believe others envy them

If you think you are coping with the abuse of a narcissist, I urge you to seek therapeutic support as it can be quite difficult to manage alone. However, if you think you are dealing with emotional immaturity, it might change your approach or empower you to look at the issues differently. It's actually quite sad that so many people aren't raised to have the communication and emotional skills we would hope all adults would have. We must ponder this: how would we approach an emotionally immature person differently than we would approach a narcissist? I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD to delve deeper into the subject.

Imagine if we could all shift from an era of labeling everyone that is difficult to deal with a narcissist, to what it truly may be, which is a multi-generational epidemic of extreme variances in emotional maturity. If we did, maybe we would actually grow as a society and target the problem for what it is. I can promise you that if we all keep doing our best, we can count on each generation improving in this department. I already see it in Generation Alpha kids: they can run circles around their grandparents when it comes to feelings and communicating about them.

It's worth mentioning: it can feel so isolating to be the only emotionally mature person in your household, greater family system, friend circle, place of work, etc. Sometimes it can make us feel "crazy" that no one seems to get us, or others seem to resent us, when in reality we are only standing out because we are ahead of the curve. I often find my clients in private practice tend to be the most emotionally mature people in their worlds - and as expected, they are the ones within their system seeking self-development via therapeutic support. When this happens I encourage these individuals to seek to kinship of new, emotionally mature friends.

Now that you've read this: put on your observational cap in the days and weeks ahead. When you notice behavior of others around you - how would you categorize it? I think you'll be amazed to notice just how many folx out there are operating from a younger age than they are chronologically. And the reality is - we all do that sometimes. No one is perfectly mature, and no one is immune to the reflex to respond from younger parts of ourselves. All we can do is keep trying - which is what emotional maturity is all about.